the carrot queue | never enough tea

Friday, February 24, 2006

the wake of all that's past

currently playing:

"the albemarle sound"
by the ladybug transistor

so i was sitting on the bus stop bench yesterday afternoon, waiting to be picked up to go to class, when a woman sat down next to me and started to light a cigarette. she asked me if i smoke, and when i said no, she asked if it would bother me if she did. it has been a long time since someone asked me that, and to be honest, her courtesy took me a little by surprise.

i have never been a person particularly interested in having casual friends, because i tend to emotionally invest myself pretty heavily in the people i care about. for the last couple of years i was in austin, i was a part of a group of people that meant the world to me, whether they were aware of it or not. these were genuinely talented and good people, and i loved them dearly.

thinking about the time i spent with them, however, i realize now that it was rarely more than superficial hanging-out. i had an uncanny amount in common with them in terms of our musical tastes, but even now i don't know much about what they care about or what makes them tick.

the only times when we ever really talked about anything that mattered were the semi-hourly trips onto the porch when they would all have a cigarette, but each of those was only a few minutes' break from playing video games or watching sports. so now, due to the benefit of hindsight and a good deal of reflection upon the events of the last year, i have become painfully aware that i didn't matter that much to the people i considered some of my best friends.

so now i'm in a weird spot, because i don't love these people any less than i did before, but i know that they don't really care about me. and there's not really anything i can do but accept it and move on. i hope their lives are good to them and that they are able to find what they're looking for.

so when she asked if her cigarette would bother me, i said no. secondhand smoke reminds me of being with my old friends, and while i wish those days didn't have to end, i feel lucky to have gotten to be a part of them at all.

posted by ethan @ 10:11 PM

2 Comments:

At 3/03/2006 11:31 PM, Anonymous said…

That's about the saddest thing I've ever read, and if it was even a little bit about me I'm going to kick your tiny ass for making me feel like a bad friend. Though we never played video games or hung out on the porch. So maybe I'm an even worse friend. I need more scotch.
At 3/04/2006 12:55 AM, ethan said…

no, rhettpatrick, it's not about you at all. besides, i'm the one who forgot to call you while i was home over the winter break.